ASS Awards - Online Excellence and Innovation

July 11, 2015
comedy satire privacy online rights telecommunications

Malcolm Turnbull looks on in high praise of his colleague’s achievement at the ASS awards ceremony of 2015

Beloved Attorney General, George Brandis QC, was today awarded the highest honour afforded to an individual in the coveted ASS awards, taking out the category of online excellence and innovation.

The prestigious taxpayer funded awards ceremony – conducted to a live public audience at ASIO headquarters, included twenty seven flags, eight lecterns, at least two classified ASIO maps and was preceded by seven screenings of Mad Max from Village Roadshow, who’s CEO Graham Burke incidentally, took out runner up in the same category.

Brandis joins an esteemed group of distinguished individuals who precede him such as Stephen Conroy for his tireless internet filtering efforts, Neil Gane for his unwavering support in providing consumers with real affordable entertainment choices, and of course Bernadette “BurntheNet!” McMenamin for her successful ‘Won’t somebody ban all the childrenTM’ campaign.

Since becoming Attorney General, Brandis was an instant hit with the online tech community who felt he really understood the technical nuances and great potential of the internet. He didn’t disappoint. He forged a bond with them via regular AMA’s on Reddit, surprise posts in 4chan’s /b/ and even weekly update videos hosted on various file sharing sites and distributed over the bit torrent protocol of which he is so very fond of.

He has worked tirelessly in enabling data retention legislation so that every day Australians could feel safe and protected, comforted by the fact that by providing their own personal information to the government – they could rule themselves out as suspects in crime and terrorism.

As one member for parliament put it, who incidentally is against a federal ICAC:

“If you got nothing to hide, you got nothing to fear.”

The member then made a sweeping motion across his body with his arm, hitting his shoulder with his fist, yelling “TEAM AUSTRALIA” three times quite loudly. Eight nearby colleagues followed suit.

As one concerned citizen attending the ceremony stated:

I can’t keep up with all the current laws. It’s a relief I can simply hand over two years’ worth of my online data for the authorities to inspect for me, just to double check I haven’t done anything illegal. It’s real peace of mind for me. My wife and kids are doing it to. What a service! Its a few extra bucks to our internet bill in return for a wonderful government initiative. I can’t wait until I can sign up for the live telephony intercept service!”

The citizen looked to have more to say however was led away by several figures in trench coats. When asked where they were taking him, a spokesman simply indicated that the gentleman worked for the Department of Immigration, and in a completely random and unrelated fact stated that disclosing information to the press about the conditions on Manus Island was subject to several years imprisonment.

Following on from his data retention efforts, Brandis has been pivotal in ensuring that Australians are able to enjoy the quality TV shows and movies we always have at a premium price by supporting existing, well established and commercially lucrative business models offered by rights holders who continue to delight us year after year with their selective catalogues. One backbencher in attendance had a lot of positive things to say:

“You don’t even need to worry about what to watch. Let the rights holders do the thinking for you by watching what THEY want you to watch WHEN they want you to watch it. You probably won’t even have to choose what device you use since they are normally kind enough to exclusively sell the good stuff via Foxtel who generously provide it in a convenient and well-priced premium channel pack. How good is that!!”

Coupled with his other achievements is what could be his greatest one yet, that of total pirate eradication. The Daesh Death Cult of Online Pirates, DD-COP - is a branch of the deadly terrorist organisation, driven to destroy the very multicorps who provide us with our entertainment needs. These delusional pirates will stop at nothing to ensure the companies, who generously donate millions of dollars to our beloved major parties and pay above and beyond their tax obligations, are wiped off the face of the earth.

Their modus operandi is chilling and deadly, with the Daesh pirates seeking to spread the scurvy virus around the globe via illegal Game of Thrones copies downloaded from one of many distribution points on the internet using their many tentacles. It is said that watching one of these episodes will send an electromagnetic imprint of the virus’ DNA into the brain via the optic nerve, infecting those who have inadvertently been exposed to pirated GoT footage.

It is these distribution points Brandis is seeking to disrupt, protecting Australians from a potential outbreak that could have dire consequences should it spread, causing an epidemic. He has joined forces with the rights holders who plan to bring to fight back to the pirates. We discussed this topic with Brandis:

“We are often at odds with the Labor Party, however when it comes to matters of national security this is a rare display of bipartisanship. In the words of Stephen Conroy, and I quote…”

There’s a staggering number of Australians being in having their computers infected at the moment, up to 20,000, uh, can regularly be getting infected by these spams, or scans, that come through, the portal.

Brandis continued by saying:

“I am hesitant to praise Senator Conroy however in this case he was spot on. Of course at the time he thought it was the Russian mob however we know now it is the Daesh pirates using the portal to infect innocent Australians. What we want to do is plug the portal with liquid styrofoam and block it off completely. Our technical advisors ensure us this will be highly effective with minimal if any, noticeable impact on internet speeds.”

In a clever move and one which should see a strengthening of already strongly forged relationships, the government has another initiative underway, led by Senator Brandis, which would see Foxtel inoculated from the effects of scurvy, ensuring that their content is safe for consumption. Foxtel executive in attendance ensured that Game of Thrones watched via their paid TV service is 100% safe and priced accordingly.

A lot achieved in a relatively short amount of time. Congratuations George Brandis who left us with some wise and comforting words..

“Rest assured…Big Brother is watching. Sweet dreams citizens.”

Village Roadshow incidentally own the rights to the ASS awards event which will be released in the US, Europe, Equatorial Guinea and Antarctica in the coming months. Australians can expect to be able to watch the entire ceremony slightly after its rest of the world release in Q3 2043, exclusively on Foxtel’s Showtime channel.

Brandis was going to appear on the ABC’s Q&A program on Monday night to discuss his award however has since withdrawn citing a recent ‘captain’s call’ by Tony Abbott.

Next week we are covering the relationship between the number of visible national flags at a press conference to that of perceived national security threats and projected patriotism. The research results have uncovered quite surprising data.